I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
