The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
