New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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