she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
