Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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