so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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