Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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