You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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