I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
