you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
