My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
