Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
