help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
