the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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