He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
