All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
