no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
