awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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