That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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