why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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