I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
