When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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