I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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