I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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