so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
