At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
