I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize