Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
