After last night, I could never be a politician.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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