The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
we should paint friendship bongs
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