I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
