I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
