Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
