I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
