God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
