Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
