I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
