that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
