Me. At least after what I've been through.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
