listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize