fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
