Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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