She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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