took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
