If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
