none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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