The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
