LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
