Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh god it's open bar.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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