What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This baby is an asshole
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
