last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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