marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
