Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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