so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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