I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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