okay pat passed out under dana's car
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
