you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
